De Darwin Awards

Hebben jullie al gehoord van de Darwin Awards. De kans bestaat er in dat ook jij kans maakt om genomineerd te worden voor de Darwin. Nu, dat klinkt tof, maar is uiteindelijk niet meteen de meest prestigieuze. Zoals op de site beschreven staat: “The Darwin Awards honor those who improve our gene pool… by removing themselves from it. Of necessity, this honor is bestowed posthumously.” De wet van de sterkste impliceert bijgevolg de verwijdering van de zwakke. Geschiedenis leert ons dat de Darwin theorie niet meteen garanties biedt op vlak van intelligentie, maar kom, er is nog hoop. Het boek Darwin Awards III Survival of the Fittest, is gewoon heel ontspannende en hilarische lectuur. Het verzamelt diverse verhalen van de grootste idioten die op een ongelooflijk stomme manier om het leven komen. OK, tis een beetje sarcastisch en morbide, maar het moraal van het boek is wel dat iedereen kans maakt zo’n Darwin “te winnen”. Hoewel…? Moslim-fundamentalisten en andere zelfmoordcommando’s staan er niet in, het boek heeft zijn morele en ethische grenzen duidelijk uitgetekend.

De verhalen verschillen van bijvoorbeeld een boer die ’s nachts een plastiek over zijn hoofd trekt om te beletten gestoken te worden door een bij, tot een man die zichzelf neerschiet terwijl hij aan zijn vrouw aan het uitleggen was hoe je op een veilige manier omgaat met een vuurwapen, … De winnaar van vorig jaar was de man die het leven liet aan een Coca-Cola-machine.

Dit zijn de genomineerden voor dit jaar:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6′ 2″ tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. (Damn it…I want pictures!!!)

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.

En de winnaar van 2004 DARWIN AWARD zou moeten de volgende zijn….

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

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